


The Sun in the Night

by a_lanart - the younger (a_lanart)



Series: Subtext [3]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-28
Updated: 2010-04-28
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:20:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_lanart/pseuds/a_lanart%20-%20the%20younger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom and Harry's relationship is affected by the events of 'Deadlock' and 'The Thaw'</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun in the Night

**Author's Note:**

> While I'm warning for major character death, if you've seen the episode you'll know it's kind of temporary. This is Trek after all!  
> I've taken Harry's quarters to be on deck 3 as referenced in the episode Alter Ego although later in this series they'd mysteriously moved to deck 6 with no explanation. Some dialogue from the episode Deadlock is used in the fic.  
> Title and lyrics from the song The Sun in the Night by the Lighthouse Family on the album Postcards from Heaven

~*~

The Sun in the Night

*

Have you ever found yourself starting to hate someone between one breath and the next, no matter that they're supposed to be one of your closest friends? I have. I hated B'Elanna with a passion and a fury that frightened and disgusted me even though I couldn't help feeling that way. And why did I suddenly find myself hating her? Oh that is so easy to explain. She wrecked my life. With four simple words, she took everything that was good about it and destroyed it. Just four measly words that signalled the end of a life I had come to enjoy.

No more.

I know it wasn't her fault; that she was only the bearer of bad news, but it made no difference to the way I felt.

"Ensign Kim is dead..." They flayed me to the bone, those words; left me wounded and bleeding. I sat there clutching onto the conn so hard that my fingers went numb. I barely noticed. All I wanted to do was scream "**NO**" and hurl myself after him into the sweet oblivion of space. But I didn't. I couldn't. Another shudder went through Voyager, it nearly sent me flying, and *did* floor the Captain. That brought me back to the present with a vengeance. I went to her, but she brushed away my solicitude with characteristic bluntness.

So I carried on, with my heart and soul half ripped out, promising myself that I would have time to mourn later. As it turned out, I didn't even have the time to do that. One minute he was gone, the light of my life snuffed out; the next...

"I'm going to send Harry Kim through the rift with Ensign Wildman's baby. Somehow it only seems fair." I'm sure you don't realise this, Kathryn Janeway, but that's the second time you've given me my life back. You might have been on another ship, but it was still you. Thank you Kathryn.

My heart began to beat faster, and I wanted to shout with joy. Or dance. Or sing. Hell, I wanted to do *something*. Once more I was being given a second chance, but this time the reward was so much greater, the stakes much higher. Then I had a dreadful thought; what if we weren't together on his Voyager? Oh I know the ships were supposed to be identical, but feelings are tricky things and you can't always anticipate them. But I could hope.

Oh God, I could hope.

And pray.

I tried not to let myself be overwhelmed by memories of Harry, but it was so difficult. I could almost *hear* him crying out in ecstasy, almost *see* that beautiful body writhing with pleasure beneath me, almost *feel* the touch of his lips on mine and the warm, sweet weight of him in my arms.

My God, Harry. I've loved and lost you once. Will you let me love you again?

*

~*~

How many times in your life   
Have you ever had the feeling that   
That the way you live is crazy   
And there must be something else

~*~

*

I've been here two weeks now. Two Weeks! Everything is exactly the same, and yet completely different. Weird. It's crazy. I know 'Weird is part of the job' but even so, when it happens to you it's just plain... *weird*. And uncomfortable. And the weirdest thing in the weirdest weeks of this weird, weird life I have for myself is seeing Tom. Tom walking, talking, breathing, *alive* when the last I saw of him he was still and cold and lifeless, lying where the Vidiians had left him. If it hadn't been for Sam's baby I would have stayed with him. Together in death as we had been in life. And now? Now I'm here. I'm alive and he's alive. But he's only my friend. Sure, he's still my *best* friend, but he's not given me any indication that there was ever anything more between us on this Voyager. I wish I dared ask. I wonder, oh how I wonder, if there ever *will* be anything more between us. It's happened once, it could happen again. But I'm too unsure of myself on this Voyager that's not my own to do anything about it. Every time I think I could maybe, just *maybe* say something, the dreams start again. Horrible dreams. Terrible dreams. And more than enough to keep me silent.

 

Oh they start well enough... I'm in bed, with Tom, and we're making love. I'm driving him wild with my kisses and the feather-light touches he just can't seem to resist. I'm trying *so* hard to keep a rein on my passion until he's ready for me. Eventually, he's whimpering almost; begging for me to enter him. I make sure I've prepared him well enough before I do, I'd hate to ever hurt him by my lack of care. Slowly, carefully, I press into his body until I'm buried in Tom as deep as I can be. Then I finally let myself go. It's wild and hot and wonderful and we eventually explode together. And then, as I'm waiting for my heart to stop hammering in my chest, I realise Tom is awfully quiet. Thinking he may have passed out, I pull out gently and carefully turn him over. The Tom who's lying there is not the Tom I've just made love with, but Tom as I last saw him on *my* Voyager.

Still.

Cold.

Dead.

I wake up screaming.

Needless to say, that's why I can't say anything to *this* Tom. For all I know we *were* lovers, but he sure as hell doesn't act like it. I wonder if he has any idea of what we're missing. I know we were both happy, me and Tom. It certainly wasn't my imagination, or wishful thinking. And I wish we could be like that again, but I can't seem to make a single move in that direction. I *can't*. And Tom appears to be totally oblivious to my turmoil.

Eventually, maybe. I'll still be here. And I hope he will, too.

 

~*~

When you look at the sky   
Does it ever cross your mind there could be   
Something you've forgotten   
That won't ever go away

Like the Sun in the night   
Like the Sun in the night

~*~

In the meantime I still have my memories and my love for Tom. I'll never lose that, no matter what happens. Whether he'll ever return it the way I long for, I just don't know. I only wish I had the courage to approach him again, like I did that night in Sandrine's, which now seems so long ago. But I don't. I'm terrified. Not of rejection, I think I could cope with that, but I can't help feeling that something will happen to him if I do, and I couldn't live with that. So I'm back to watching and waiting and silently longing for him. At least we're together in a way, which considering what both of us have gone through is a miracle in itself. I take pleasure in the small things of life, of just having him *there*, trying to convince myself that it's enough. Knowing in my heart of hearts that now it's probably all I'll ever have. I'm too scared to change anything.

I don't want to lose him again.

 

~*~

You're always here with me, baby  
Here in my soul.   
You're always here with me   
Wherever I go.

~*~

 

*

One of these nights, someone's going to stop and ask just what the hell I'm doing. God knows what I'd tell them, I'm not even sure *I* know what I'm doing. All I know is that when I wake up in my cold and lonely bed, unable to get back to sleep again, I have this uncontrollable urge to see Harry. So I walk the corridors. On deck three. So far I've resisted using the access code I know he hasn't changed, as there is no *way* I'd be able to stop at just watching him sleep. During the day I'm fine, the friend I've always been. At night it's a different story altogether. At night I long for him. Burn for him. But I don't do anything about it. Since Harry came over from the other Voyager he seems wary of me, at times almost downright scared. I catch him looking at me with the oddest expression sometimes, as if he's surprised to see me there. I want to ask him just what he's seeing. But I don't. I don't want to hurt him, and sure as hell don't want to ruin any chance there maybe of us getting back together. That's what I *really* want, with a desperation I would never have expected myself to feel. But that was before I fell in love with Harry; and that beautiful, gentle, *passionate* man turned my life upside down.

 

~*~

It gets too much after a while   
Trying to always hide your feelings   
When the world is going crazy   
And you keep it to yourself   
How much it hurts though you try,   
Trying to get on with your life   
You tell yourself that worse things happen   
And just hope it goes away

~*~

 

I found myself outside his door again. I can't remember the number of times I've been here in the past week. I didn't even intend to go; my feet just automatically took me there. I leant my forehead against the cool metal for a while, telling myself that I needed to leave. And soon. The sigh I heaved was part reluctance, part frustration. I turned to go. It was at that precise moment that I heard it; a truly blood-curdling shriek. From behind Harry's door. I didn't stop to think of the consequences, I didn't stop to think *at* *all*. My hand just flew across the keypad, tapping in that access code entirely of its own volition. Harry needs me. That's all I could think of. Harry *needs* *me*.

I burst through the door like an avenging angel, but the only devils there to chase away were Harry's personal ones. He was on the bed, covers strewn all over the place, curled up into a tight, miserable ball and crying as if his heart was breaking. His body shook with the force of his sobs, the sight cutting into me like a knife, it hurt so much to see him like that. I moved closer and finally made out what he was saying.

"No. No. No. Not again. Please not that again." Gingerly I approached the bed, gently laying my hand on his shoulder. I could feel the shudders racking him.

"Har?" His eyes flew open at the sound of my voice, they were still dazed from sleep, and he looked terrified.

"You can't be here. You *can't*. I saw you. You're *dead*!" That was when I caught the first true glance of what Harry was going through.

Oh Harry. How typical of you to try and deal with this yourself.

Consequences be damned. I gathered him into my arms and let him weep, holding him close as his tears soaked into my clothes.

"I'm here now. I'll always be here if you want me." Slowly, the storm of weeping subsided and he quieted, a little sense returning to the tear filled eyes. "Want to tell me about it?" I asked carefully, not wanting to put him under any pressure but knowing from experience he needed to say *something*. He shook his head, barely raising his eyes to glance at me. "Okay." I continued to hold him close, I sensed he still wanted and needed that comfort. Eventually he started to speak, his voice muffled by my chest and still sounding raw with emotion.

"I was with you...him... and we were," his voice cracked slightly, but he carried on, "We were... and then I thought you'd... but you hadn't. You were dead." With all the breaks, and what he *hadn't* said it didn't make an awful lot of sense, but it was enough to make me wonder. So... he was dreaming he was with me, and we were... Were what? On duty? Playing pool? Drinking? Making love? I had no idea. And I ended up dead. Ugh. No wonder he was in the state he was. If the roles were reversed I'd probably be just as bad. I held him a little tighter for a moment, my lips brushing the top of his head. I whispered into his hair,

"You don't deserve this Har. Not on top of everything else." He nestled closer, an unconscious movement I'm sure, but he felt so good in my arms. God, I'd missed him. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Stay?!" Harry let out a startled squeak and almost shot out of my arms. He stared at me, eyes still black and shining with tears.

"Yeah, stay. Here. With You. If you want." I still had hold of his shoulders, and I swear it was only then that I became aware of the heat of his skin beneath the T-shirt he was wearing. I watched a real gamut of emotions marching across his face then. Hope, fear, longing, and at last a kind of weary resolve. Then he raised his head and smiled at me. I mean *really* smiled.

 

~*~

Like the Sun in the night   
Like the Sun in the night

~*~

 

The smoldering, blazing smile that makes me go weak at the knees, the one that I don't think anyone else has ever seen, the one that I'd thought *I* would never see again. *Shit*. I was glad I was sitting down. All I could do was gaze into those beautiful dark eyes and lose myself. I've no idea what was showing on my face at that moment, and to be quite honest, I didn't care. I wouldn't have been surprised if all the love and longing I'd been carefully holding back was there for him to see. So bleeding what.

"Thanks Tom, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea right now." The words were whispered, as if he had to fight to get them out. "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

More than you could ever know, Harry.

We stared into each other's eyes for an incredibly long, intimate moment. I couldn't help but give way before the wave of hope that surged through me, this *was* still Harry, *my* Harry. He just had a hell of a lot of stuff to work through before *he* realised it. "If you need me, Harry, you know where I am. Any time. I mean it." This time his smile was gentler, more thoughtful, but it still reached those glorious eyes.

"I'll remember that."

"Make sure you do," I admonished, with a smile of my own to soften my words. Who am I kidding, I was probably grinning like a lunatic. I pulled him close again, into the circle of my arms, brushing a soft kiss across his cheek. I maybe shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. What I truly wanted to do was claim his mouth with all the passion and love that existed between us and *show* him how I felt. Which would *not* be a good idea. After all, I didn't want to disturb him more than he was already. So I contented myself with the mere whisper of promise that there was in the touch of my lips on his skin, and hoped he understood. I stood, carefully unwrapping myself from around him, and gently laid him back down on his bed, pulling the covers back up around him. He looked so young, so vulnerable lying there I nearly lost my resolve and stayed. Instead I leaned down, and tenderly smoothed the hair away from his eyes.

"Goodnight Harry," I whispered.

"'Night Tom. Thanks for being here." His eyes were starting to drift shut, the emotional wringing taking its toll on him. I quietly let myself out, feeling a lot more hopeful than I had for a long time.

 

*

 

I woke up the next morning wondering just what the hell I'd done. Tom had been there with me, and I'd sent him away. In the cold light of day my somewhat fraught reasoning of the night before still stood up to scrutiny, and demanded that I be unflatteringly honest with myself. Much as I loved Tom, wanted him, *needed* him, I wasn't ready to resume our relationship. That was one positive outcome of the night; after Tom's words, his actions and the way he *looked* at me, I was certain that we *had* had a relationship on this Voyager, and a deeply loving one at that. All I needed to do was get my head sorted out, and wait for the dreams to stop. *All*. What an understatement. I had no idea where to start either. Great. Just Great. At least I had the hope that Tom would wait for me, and that was an incredibly cheering thought.

I spent the rest of the morning trying to formulate a plan of action. First of all, I was going to have to get more comfortable with Tom. Not a difficult task, except for the fact I still had those gruesome memories of the other ship intruding at the most inopportune moments. I decided maybe it was time to try and explain some things to him.

 

I met Tom for dinner. His face lit up at the sight of me and I found myself astounded that I had missed such obvious signs of his regard. Maybe it was because I hadn't been looking; or maybe because I was looking for *just* a smile that I saw *just* a smile. The expression that was plastered all over Tom's face was no more *just* a smile than he was *just* an ordinary pilot. He was incandescent. He was also alone, and I slid into the chair opposite, tray in hand.

"Hey Tom."

"Hey Harry." We ate in silence for a while, and almost simultaneously pushed our trays aside, glancing up at each other as we did so.

"Thanks for last night," I said. "I really appreciate it." He reached out, to hold my hand I think, but he settled for touching the back of it gently where it lay on the table between us.

"I'm glad you let me help."

"*Let* you help? If you hadn't been there, I don't know what I would've done. That's the worst it's been since I came over. Gods." I stared at the table for a minute or so, knowing that if I didn't say anything now, I'd find excuse after excuse to keep on putting it off. I lowered my head into my hands, messing up my hair completely. Eventually I raised it to find myself drowning in the infinite blue of Tom's eyes. The silence lengthened. I managed to wrench my concentration back to the here and now with a supreme effort. "Tom, I could do with trying to tell you some stuff." I took a deep breath, forged ahead regardless. "I don't think I've been completely fair to you..." Tom interrupted with low voiced vehemence.

"My God, Harry! You're living in a different universe from the one you came from, and you think you've not been *fair* to me?" He shook his head, smiling that almost indulgent smile as he did. "You never cease to amaze me, Harry Kim; it's one reason why I..." He broke off, and flushed slightly, looking everywhere except at me. I wondered what he had been about to say...'It's one reason why I love you' maybe? It was a possibility. I certainly hoped it was more than that. I grinned at him.

"Whatever. I want to talk, Tom; but I can't do it here." He glanced around the mess hall at the tables full of people to either side of us, giving me a crooked smile as he turned back to face me.

"See what you mean. Okay then Harry, let's go. I know just the place."

"Nav Forward?"

"Nav Forward." We left the mess hall together.

 

Nav Forward was probably the ideal place for us to talk. It's a tiny, almost box-like room which gives you a superb view of the stars and nothing else. It's also a place I associate with Tom, but with Tom as a friend and not a lover. Whenever either of us felt the need to talk, I mean *really* talk, major heart to heart stuff, we came here. It was in Nav Forward that Tom told me about his father, the Maquis and prison, while his eyes stared out unfocused at the stars that have always been his true home, and his salvation. It was in Nav Forward that I told him about Jayse and the others, and how Starfleet was partly an escape route for me from the pressure of living up to my parents. There is a saying... 'If walls had ears'; the walls of Nav Forward could certainly say a thing or two about both of us, and little of it complementary. But we'd never shared more than tears and a few comforting touches in there, so it was the one place in which I felt I would be able to tell Tom what I needed to without destroying my new found composure with memories of the two of us together as lovers. It seemed he understood.

We settled ourselves down on opposite walls; Tom, as always, so he could see the stars. I think we may have looked like two kids playing truant from school and hiding someplace as we sat there, knees drawn up to our chests as we faced each other. It was the only way to fit two people in there like that; space was at a premium to say the least. I leaned my head back against the wall and shut my eyes, letting the memories of this place wash over me. When I opened them again I found Tom watching me with a strange sort of smile on his face and some undefined emotion in his eyes.

"Remembering?" He asked me gently as if he was afraid he would disturb me and send me running. He didn't even touch me.

"Yeah. Especially something you said to me." I shut my eyes again, picturing Tom sitting against the wall, much as he was now, but with tears in his eyes and an almost fierce expression on his face. "You said, 'I've never had a friend like you. Never had someone with who I could honestly share my past, my present, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. This is true freedom, Harry, and you've given it to me.'" I kept my eyes closed, so didn't see what was in his eyes. Even so, I heard it in his voice; utter sincerity.

"I remember. I meant it then, and I mean it now. Whatever else Harry, I'll *always* be your friend." We were silent for a while, too overwhelmed to speak, I think. Eventually though, I knew I had to. I *had* to try and explain what I was feeling.

"I'm glad we came here, I don't think I could manage to say this anywhere else..." I told him about *that* day from *my* point of view; of the joy that had permeated the ship at the news of little Naomi's birth; of the shock of finding out about the two ships in the first place, not to mention the fact that I was dead on the other one; of the guilt we felt when we realised what we doing to the other ship and of the ultimate horror of seeing his counterpart sprawled dead in the corridor, just like so much trash. I told him about my reluctance to leave that other Tom, especially when faced with the fact that where I was going, I may not have his love. Slowly, painfully, it all came out.

"So that's why I look at you funny sometimes. I'm not seeing *you*; I see *him*. Dead. And then you. It's all kind of horrific and just plain..."

"Weird."

"Yeah." I scrubbed impatiently at the tears that had fallen despite my best intentions to the contrary. Tom reached out grabbed my wrist with one hand, wiping the tears gently away from my face with the fingertips of the other. He looked at me, his own eyes shining suspiciously, and whispered,

"Don't ever be ashamed of what you feel. You taught me that." Slowly, he let his hands drop back to his knees, shook his head. "Oh God, *Harry*." He lowered his head down onto his hands so he wasn't looking at me any more. Probably a good job as I think I was staring at him as if he had two heads. Tom's restraint and willingness to let me come to terms with the whole aftermath of jumping ships in my *own* time was humbling to say the least; especially when, as then, I was faced with exactly what he felt about me. No-one has ever said my name quite like Tom does, with the layers and layers of love and friendship and respect and passion all present in the tone of his voice. After the shock had subsided a little bit, I reacted the only way I could. By sheer instinct.

"Tom..." The next minute we were in each others arms, the tears falling heedless down both our faces as we held on tight to each other. Eventually, the tears dried, but we remained like that, Gods only know for how long, our arms wrapped around each other as the stars sped past outside.

No-one, not even me, could take this away from us.

 

~*~

You're always here with me, baby  
Here in my soul.   
You're always here with me   
Wherever I go.

~*~

 

Life seemed to settle down a bit after that night. The flashbacks to the *other* Tom were happening with a vastly decreasing frequency, much to my relief, and although I was still having the same dream, it was nowhere near as often and I seemed to be able to cope with it better. As for Tom and I... nothing more was said about what happened in Nav Forward, we were both playing a waiting game. Waiting for me. It says an awful lot about Tom that I didn't once feel guilty for taking so long; but then I knew and he knew, with a certainty beyond words, that the waiting would be more than worth it. Until then... well until then we were friends, and enjoyed our friendship and each others company in all the ways we always had done: teasing each other, playing pool, winding up the Delaney sisters, spending time with B'Elanna; but together. Always together.

 

We were in my quarters when we first encountered the Kohl, or more accurately, their planet. I had no inkling of what was going to happen, and I think I can safely say that Tom had not either or he would have tried to stop me from going ahead with my plan for contacting them. As it was, I could see he was *not* happy about the whole damn situation, but of course he remained silent. He had no other option, really, as the Captain had given us full support. Having said that, I don't think I'll ever forget the look in his eyes. He was afraid. Desperately afraid. And for those with the eyes to see, it showed.

 

*

 

I was terrified that something would go wrong with this 'virtual reality' contact as soon as Harry first mentioned it. It didn't make me feel any better whatsoever to find myself proved right, either. And it got worse. I was frantic and unable to allow myself to show it, when B'Elanna was sent back and Harry was kept behind; especially when she told us what the whole environment was like. I very nearly disgraced myself by having to leave, but I managed to stay in control of my churning guts long enough to make a decent escape. After the entire contents of my stomach, and then some, had said a rather violent good-bye to me, I physically felt a little better. Emotionally I was a wreck. I just kept on repeating to myself,

"He's not going to die. He's not going to die. I won't let him. Not again." At one point I actually started to mutter it aloud, totally unintentionally, of course. The worst thing was that I was in a turbolift with Chakotay at the time. Alone. Now the man was only just beginning to do more than barely tolerate me again, not the ideal time for me to fall apart in front of him. Or so I thought.

"Tom." I heard my name, but it didn't register, I just carried on chanting my little mantra of hope and desperation.

"Tom." This time it did get through, as it was accompanied by a warm hand on my shoulder. Startled, I looked up from resolutely staring at my feet and met his eyes, only to find them full of unexpected compassion.

"We'll find a way to get him out, don't worry." I couldn't be optimistic, I had too much to lose.

"Will we? And what if we don't? God, I can't lose him again, I *can't*." Much to my horror I realised I was crying. In front of Chakotay, of all people. To his eternal credit, he didn't turn a hair. He must have halted the turbolift as I realised we were at a standstill; he also, and this did surprise me, had an arm around me, letting me cry into his shoulder. At last I managed to get my emotions under control. I seem to have done more crying in the last month than I did in the previous decade. Carefully, I moved away from Chakotay, wanting to thank him for his support but not really knowing where to start. He actually broke the silence first.

"I never realised you felt that way about Harry. I knew you were close, but this?..." He shook his head in disbelief, giving me a slight smile in the process. "Does Harry know?" I scrubbed my hands once more across my face before answering.

"Oh he knows, all right. And if he gets through this... *mess*, I'm going to show him." I took a deep breath, leant my head against the turbolift wall. Yes, I'd show Harry how much I loved him, if he'd let me. The timing seemed right, we'd been getting closer to this ever since that night in Nav Forward when we'd realised how much we still loved each other. All I had to hope for was to have him back with me. Safe.

Chakotay was looking at me with the strangest expression on his face. I had to ask him...

"What?" He shook his head again.

"I think I've made a mistake." That was all he said, apart from commanding the turbolift to resume.

 

I thought I was going to overflow with joy when we *did* get him out, and I'm sure I grinned stupidly at all sorts of people after we got the news. I think *they* put it down to simple relief in a friends safety. The Commander knew better of course, and didn't quite manage to hide the smile on his face when he looked at me.

 

I was given the job of escorting Harry to sickbay for a thorough check-over. By Chakotay, bless the man. He'd even given us both the next day off! On the way to sickbay I couldn't stop the words from spilling out; how much I loved Harry, how scared I'd been, how I wasn't sure if I could go on without him, how I longed to be with him; everything. The tears started to fall again, I was surprised that I had any left. And how did Harry react to all this? Well I must admit he surprised me too. He pulled us both off the main corridor, into one of the niches that seem to dot Voyager in certain places; and with one hand on my shoulder and the other gently cupping my face he stared deep into my eyes.

"Tom, you're babbling," he said, lowering his mouth to mine before I could even think of a reply.

God, I could have drowned in that kiss; so sweet, so full of love. He kissed away my tears, kissed my eyelids, even kissed my nose before returning to my lips. I surrendered to him completely, kissing him back with all the feelings I'd barely managed to keep in check. At last we broke apart, our eyes locked on each other.

"I love you."

We said it simultaneously, which made us collapse in fits of laughter for some unearthly reason. I dragged him back onto the corridor, but kept one arm around him.

"Come on, Harry. Sickbay. Then I think we'll go back to my place. Okay?" He looked a bit nervous then, but the answering smile was all I could have hoped for; a bright flame in the darkness of my uncertainty.

"Okay."

I knew it instinctively from the moment he first came over from the other Voyager, I knew that nothing *nothing* could destroy the love we had for each other. It's a constant, almost tangible thing.

 

~*~

Like the Sun in the night   
Like the Sun in the night

~*~

It seemed to take forever to get Harry cleared by the Doc who tsked and harrumphed over every single one of the tricorder readings. Eventually, he let us go, just before I was about to go mad and end his program. Knowing the Doc, he would have immediately switched himself back on again and given me a lecture. We made good our escape and soon reached my quarters. With a sidelong glance at me, and the most endearingly lop-sided smile on his face, Harry tapped in my access code. Like him, I had never changed it once he knew what it was. As the door opened, I searched his face once more for any indication that he wasn't ready for this, for us. To my utmost relief there was none, just the love shining clear in his obsidian eyes. He held out his hand to me, and taking it my own I led him into my quarters. I was kissing him before the doors had swished shut behind us.

I'd almost forgotten how wonderful Harry's mouth felt on mine, how wonderful he tasted; now I craved that mouth like a drowning man craves air. I plundered that delicious heat with lips and tongue as I shared his breath, his life; revelling in every sensual movement of his lips, every sweep of his tongue across mine. At last I had to pause for breath, my lips resting gently on his cheek at the corner of his mouth. I whispered against his skin,

"God, I missed you Har. I've missed you so much," before our lips met again and again in kiss after searing kiss. His arms were around me, I could feel his touch burning through my uniform and I pulled away from him slightly so I cold look at him better.

"You certainly haven't forgotten how to kiss me," he said with laughter glimmering in his amazing eyes. My heart turned over.

"Want me to show you what else I haven't forgotten?" I whispered, a mere puff of breath past one of his oh so sensitive ears. The laughter faded to be replaced by the unmistakable smouldering look of desire.

"Want you to?... *Tom*..." I took that breathy sighing of my name as a yes, and once I'd managed to tear myself from his incredible mouth again, I began to trail my kisses down his neck, giving him a small nip every now and then so he didn't lose his focus. As I reacquainted myself with the taste of his skin, I carefully pulled down his uniform zipper - no torn sleeves or wrenched fastenings for Harry tonight. I couldn't vouch for myself of course... Slowly, tenderly I pulled the jacket off his shoulders, and moved around him to unfasten the turtle neck. As I gradually exposed the gleaming gold of his back, I gently kissed each patch of newly uncovered skin, feathering kisses over his shoulder blades, down his spine, across his ribs. When I reached the waistband of his uniform trousers, I nibbled and licked my way back up his spine until I reached his neck once more. This time I kissed my way across the top of his shoulder following the line of his collar bone as I moved around him, steadily pushing the grey material aside just ahead of my lips. He shivered as my slow divestment of him continued; I think maybe I was torturing him as much, if not more, than myself with the pace I'd chosen for our lovemaking. I wanted to relearn every centimetre of his body, so of course I wanted to take my time and that was all there was to it. Not that I'd heard any complaints from Harry...

I pulled the turtleneck down his arms, off his chest and let it slide unheeded to the deck. I paused in my efforts to taste every bit of Harry's longed for skin, and spared a glance upwards. His eyes were closed, head tilted back slightly, and there was an expression of pure sensual abandon on his face. His lips moved, barely.

"Don't stop Tom. Don't ever stop. Make me yours again." It was the faintest breath of sound, but I heard him. The words were engraved on my soul.

"Harry..." It was an answer, an acknowledgment, but it was also far more than that; it was a declaration of everything there was between us. His eyes opened slightly, and he gazed down at me through the veil of his eyelashes. He heard, and he understood; that much was apparent from the warmth of his gaze. I returned my attention to his body, all that luscious golden skin now exposed for our mutual delight. Gleefully, I moved south.

At the first brush of my tongue across his nipples, he shivered. At the second, he moaned. When I did it again, just a teasing lick over one, then the other; he ground out,

"Tom...*please*..."

"Please what? Please do this?" I took one brown nub into my mouth and sucked, gently; then very carefully grazed my teeth across it.

"*Yes*!" I moved my attention to his other nipple, secretly pleased at his reaction. Oh yes, this was *my* Harry all right. The shivers, the moans, the sensitivity were all what I remembered, and had so desperately missed.

"Tom. Oh Gods. *Tom*." He was moaning almost constantly now, the sound more delightful to my ears than any music has ever been. He groaned when I left his nipples, licking and sucking my way to his navel. Another shudder went through him when I swirled my tongue around it. He'd always liked that. Not as sensitive as his nipples or his ears maybe, but even so... While I was tonguing his navel I let my fingers busy themselves with the fastening of his trousers, before carefully pushing them, and his underwear, down past his knees. I ran my fingers over the sleek, velvet hardness of his cock, felt my own jump in response. God, he was hard. And leaking. I removed my mouth from his skin long enough to suck his pre-cum off my fingers; watching him watching me with his burning, desire filled eyes. He was breathing heavily, trying to fight for enough control to speak.

"If you touch me again, I'll come." As I slowly drew my fingers out of my mouth, letting my tongue obviously linger over each one, I grinned.

"Isn't that the idea?" Planting my mouth firmly on his hip, I bit down. Not hard, but enough to tear a gut-wrenching moan from him. As the shudders ran through him I barely touched his weeping cock with my tongue. He felt, he tasted *so* good. The taste of love. Of life. I knew I just had to have him all, and engulfed the full length of him completely, sucking as gently as I could.

"I can't... *Tom*...I'll cum... I... Oh Gods..... *TOM*!!" And he did come. Fountains of it, gushing hot and sweet into my waiting mouth as he screamed my name. I swallowed. Again. My hands held him steady as he shuddered and screamed his release, but even so he nearly fell with the intensity of it. I managed to manoeuvre him to a chair just as he collapsed, his legs no longer able to support him.   
I sat back on my heels and admired him, gasping, spent, and the most beautiful sight in the world. He was there, with me. Alive. Whole. And *mine*, as I was *his*.

 

*

 

I was a in boneless, gasping, *sated* heap by the time Tom had finished reclaiming me, the aftershocks still running through me from the unexpected force and speed of my climax. I suppose I should have anticipated something like that; after all, Tom's mouth has always driven me wild, and that added to the fact that I hadn't even touched myself since arriving from the other Voyager had been more than enough to send me hurtling over the edge. It was still a surprise though. I *had* asked him to make me his again, and he'd certainly done that. What is it they say...? 'Be careful what you wish for...' I pried open my eyes as my breathing started to return to normal, and smiled at him. At least I tried to smile, but my body wasn't back to obeying my commands at that point. He caught on, giving me a smile in return that was burning in its intensity and hit me in the gut like nothing on earth.

"Tom." I barely recognised my voice, I must have screamed my throat raw. He just *looked* at me, pinning me with that luminous gaze.

"Harry." He scrambled up onto his knees and swooped in for a kiss, I surrendered completely. It was kind of strange to taste myself on his tongue after so long, and almost intoxicating. How I'd missed this... the touch of him, the smell of him, the taste of both of us together. There was something almost sacred about this, about the way he had near enough *worshipped* me with his mouth, and still was.

Why had I waited so long?

After he pulled away from me again, I half expected him to finish stripping me, and then himself in short order. Seems he still had other ideas. He knelt back at my feet, and before I could really process what he was doing he was removing my boots and socks, gently, tenderly, reverently. First one foot, then the other. Once bare, he cradled them in his lap - stroking them, caressing them. I couldn't believe how good it felt.

"I love your feet, Har." My feet? This was new.

"My feet?..."

"Yeah. They brought you back to me." With that he placed a devout kiss on each instep, sending unexpected tingles coursing along my nerves. My *feet*?! Oh what the hell, I just let myself go and waited to see what else he had in mind.

What he had in mind was taking his time. Still. Most of me was enjoying his tantalizing kisses and caresses... how could I not? The touch of Tom's mouth is sheer delight, and part of me never wants that touch to end. There was another part of me, becoming steadily more demanding in its need, which just wanted to yell at him to hurry up and fuck me. Gods, I needed him. I needed that ultimate claiming and surrender, I needed to feel him inside me, I needed to be *one* with him so much it hurt. He was blazing a trail of fiery kisses and touches up my legs, I didn't know how much more of it I could stand. I was hot, and hungry, and more than ready for him again. Craving his touch, wanting his very soul. I *wanted* him, I *needed* him, I... He breathed hotly on me, stirring the hairs on my balls. I moaned; I couldn't help it. He grinned up at me again.

"Think you're ready for me, Harry?"

"Ready?" I growled. "I'll give you *ready*." I pushed him off balance so he landed on the floor, and pounced. I wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to *devour* him and make him feel as least as good as he made me feel. I captured his lips in an almost bruising kiss, to have him return it just as passionately. My fingers were fumbling at his uniform jacket, desperate to get to his skin. The sleeve tore slightly as I wrenched the jacket off, never once losing possession of his mouth, never once disengaging my tongue from its fierce, sweet battle with his. I had to lift my head to remove the turtle neck more easily, but the reward was worth it. Tom's skin was there for me to kiss, to lick, to bite; all the pale luminescence of it. I lowered my face to his skin, and simply breathed; inhaling the scent of him. The urgency left me slightly, and I was content to rub my cheek across the soft fuzziness of his chest. I don't think there are enough words in the universe to describe how I felt right then. Except maybe one. Love. And such a total, all-encompassing love that it almost frightened me to think about it. So I didn't. I simply accepted that that's the way things are between us.

And I hope they always will be.

"Harry?"

"Mmm?"

"I do *have* a bed, you know." I lifted my head up to look down at him. The laughter was sparkling in eyes darkened by his own desire. I traced the line of his smile with one careful finger, letting it trail a path down his neck until it reached his chest.

"I think you may be right." I rolled off him, scrambling upright as soon as I could, offering him a hand to help, and near dragging him after me to the bedroom. I pushed him down to sit on the edge of the bed, swiftly removing the last of his clothes. Another time I would have taken it more slowly, but right then, I wanted to feel his skin and his erection against my own. I launched myself at him again, pressing myself against him as hard as I could, trying to feel every centimetre of his skin with every centimetre of my own, trying to reassure myself that this was really happening, that it wasn't an illusion. As we lay there, almost as close as it was humanly possible to be, I couldn't stop the wave of love and longing that swept through me. No matter that physically this wasn't the same Tom that I had loved and lusted after for so long before doing anything about it; it was still Tom, and I still loved him. Truly. Madly. Deeply. I kissed his throat, his shoulders, biting gently at the soft skin above his collarbone, punctuating each kiss with a whispered 'I love you'. The tears that I couldn't hold back slowly trickled down my face to merge with the sweat on Tom's skin, and I buried my face in the junction of his neck and shoulder to draw a shuddering breath, quietly rejoicing at the feel of his strong, warm arms around me.

Tom rolled us over and raised himself up to look down at me, freeing one hand to brush the tears softly from my cheeks. He looked like he was struggling to hold back tears of his own as his eyes had that strangely liquid, glistening look to them.

"I love you too, Har. I love you so much. When I thought you'd gone I..." He chewed on his lip for a bit, and then smiled at me through the tears that were spilling down his own face. "You get the idea." I smiled back up at him, returning the favour and wiping the tears from his face.

"Yeah, I get the idea. Been there. Done that." The smile widened to one of Tom's trademark shit-eating grins.

"Got the T-shirt?" I hugged him tight, almost squeezing the breath out of him. Even when he was cracking bad jokes, I loved him.

"I'll share it with you, I think it's big enough for the both of us." I murmured into his skin.

"I like the sound of that." He lowered his mouth to mine again, his tongue probing my mouth until it was doing a mad dance with mine, and I could barely think of anything else apart from the delicious heat of him. My urgency, my *need* to feel him inside me returned with a vengeance, so I struggled to break away, to somehow find enough breath, and enough will to tell him. It seems his need of me was almost as overwhelming, as we managed to reluctantly break away from each other simultaneously; gasping for breath and unable to articulate what either of us wanted. I held him close and rubbed myself against him, leaving a trail of wetness across our stomachs. Our moans rose in unison like some strange, beautiful and unearthly song. He leaned in, for another kiss I thought, surprising me by swirling his tongue around my ear, nibbling gently on the lobe. Coherent thought dissolved into a sparkling haze of lust as the almost electric shocks ran through my body. I couldn't wait much longer.

"Tom... *Tom*." My voice sounded desperate even to my own ears, and one of those wasn't much use with Tom's tongue still working its magic on me. He breathed on me, his breath causing a sudden chill to my ear. Gods. Much more of this and I'd come without him even touching me - I was running on an increasingly short fuse. I dragged my mind, with great difficulty, away from the hypnotic sensations of Tom breathing down my ear, only half aware that there were words behind each breath.

"I want to be inside you Harry, I want to bury myself so deep in you that we'll never be apart again. I want... I want..." I twisted round slightly, searching for his lips. After one quick, hard kiss that nevertheless communicated all our need for each other, I whispered back to him, gasping;

"Gods, how I want you... I *need* you... Fuck me, please, or I think I'm going to go mad..." His voice again, soft in my ear, echoing through my soul. Claiming. Surrendering.

"Harry..." Another kiss, all liquid heat and searing passion, and then he moved away from me slightly. He was back before I had time to notice the pain of his absence, but by then all I wanted was him inside me as soon as possible.

"Tom... *hurry*... *Please*." I was begging; I couldn't stop myself. I wanted him, I wanted to feel him in me *so* much that I could hardly bear to wait. I was almost ready to tell him to forget about the lube and take me *now*. Good sense prevailed, but only just. A hand stilled my writhing, gentle on my hip; but hot, and trembling. His voice was just as unsteady.

"Harry... just wait... it won't be long now." Even as he was speaking I could see him fumbling with the tube, clumsy in his desire for me. It just stoked the flames higher.

"*Tom*..." At last! His fingers were cool and slick against my asshole, and he rubbed them gently over it again and again. I was beginning to fade completely into an erotic fog, the only thing I was aware of was the electric touch of his fingers in that most intimate of caresses and my burning desire to feel more, to feel *him*. One finger carefully entered my body. I screamed. At least someone did, and I don't think it was Tom. Soon another finger searched for, and gained entry. Gods, the feel of him as he moved those careful, clever fingers inside of me, exploring my body, wringing sensation after sensation from me; then another twist, and a quick brush over my prostate, and I was no longer on the ship but flying somewhere far, far above her with my beautiful lover. Tom's voice brought me back down, full of concern.

"Harry...*Harry*... don't do this to me... Come on, Har." I pried open my eyes to see him gazing worriedly at me. "Don't zone out on me like that, *please*... I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't..." It was more of a croak than a groan, and more of a gasp than a whisper, but he still understood me. He moved his fingers inside me again, and it was with a huge effort that I managed to stay with him. I didn't think I had ever felt this good, and that was a surprise in and of itself. Making love with Tom was always wonderful, no matter what we did, or where; but this... This time was different.

"I think.... You're just about... ready for me." Tom's breathing was hard and fast, his voice husky with desire and need. I managed a smile. He looked so thoroughly delicious, his skin flushed pink and damp with sweat.

"You bet I am... Tom.... Don't make me... wait any longer." He didn't. I could feel the blunt, broad head of his cock resting gently against the opening to my body. "*Please*..." With one smooth thrust he entered me, like a key in a lock, and I somehow managed to wrap my legs around him, pulling him in deeper. For a moment we stayed like that, unmoving, that instant of union all we could have wished for, and a curious reversal of the first time we made love. The pulsing, throbbing heat of him inside of me was even more intoxicating than his kisses, than his touch; and I longed for more.

"Oh God.... *Harry*..." Tom began to move, trying to go slowly, but unable to stop himself from speeding up, thrusting into me with a fierceness that he rarely displayed. I lost it again, my sole focus being the heat of his cock buried deep inside me and the delicious friction of his body against my own.

"Tom.... Please.... More...*Tom*..." Each thrust was sending me closer to heaven, and my only regret was that I'd get there before him. I was sobbing, beyond words, when he stopped, almost pulling out of me completely before burying himself back inside me with a thrust that was almost painful. I screamed again, unable to deny my ecstasy any longer, exploding all over us as I shattered into a million pieces and truly lost myself amongst the stars. I dimly heard another scream, an echo of mine, crying my name, but it was a long way away, and couldn't hold me back.

 

*

 

I don't know how I managed not to follow Harry into complete oblivion, but I didn't. Having said that; if the red alert had sounded or the ship had turned inside out around us or by dint of some weird spatial anomaly we'd ended up in the mess hall, I would've been just as totally incapable of doing anything about it as he was. I lay quietly on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart as my own gradually quieted its thundering, feeling the soft rise and fall of his breathing. I felt content for the first time in ages, and rather humbled at the same time. Harry had never surrendered to me quite so absolutely before, and although I'd said I was reclaiming *him*, he had claimed me just as effectively by that very act. I had no doubt that this night would prove to be a turning point in our relationship. And just where did I want to go? I decided not to think about that as words beginning with 'c' and 'm' have always made me nervous, and even more so when it's *me* who's thinking about them.

 

I raised myself up to look down at Harry. He was still well away, and looked likely to stay that way for some time. Regretfully, I left the bed in order to hit the bathroom. Having literally been stuck to Harry once, I knew it was *not* an experience I wanted to repeat. After sorting myself out, I returned to wash him down. He didn't even rouse as I gently wiped the sweat and semen off him. The washcloth was dumped by the bed, I just wanted to sit and stare for a while. I still had trouble, sometimes, believing that Harry loved me, but it was in moments like this that the proof was undeniable. I gently traced the line of his sleeping features; the soft curve of his eyelid, the flare of his nostrils, the full, sensual lips. Beautiful. I kissed him right over his heart before settling back down next to him, and pulled the blanket over us both. As I gathered him into my arms at last, he finally began to stir.

"Tom?" I brushed a soft kiss over one smooth cheek.

"I'm here, lover." He smiled, barely managing to open his eyes.

"I can feel that. You don't mind me staying?"

"I wouldn't make you leave for anything."

"Good." He snuggled further into my arms, and I thought he had drifted back off to sleep. I was wrong.

"Tom?"

"Yes Har?"

"Don't ever leave me."

"I won't. Not again. Not if I can help it. But you've got to promise me, too. I don't think I could survive without you. Not any more."

"You won't have to. We'll be Together Forever." If I'd had any remaining doubts at all about this being *my* Harry, which I didn't at this point, he'd have just blown them away with that statement. Harry is a hopelessly incurable romantic, and probably always will be. I hope that never changes.

"I'll hold you to that." I held him as close as I could, and barely caught his whispered reply.

"See that you do." His breathing gradually deepened as he lapsed back into sleep and I watched him breathe until I was falling asleep myself, my last thought being one of pleasure that he would still be with me when I woke again.

 

~*~

You're always here with me, baby  
Here in my soul.   
You're always here with me   
Wherever I go.

~*~

 

End


End file.
